New Layer-1 Claims 5,000 TPS, 98.7% Uptime, Three Validators, and Other Fairy Tales
By Anonymous Axie Scholar | March 27, 2025
In what experts are calling "basically the same thing we've heard 47 times this year," a new Layer-1 blockchain named ExtractionChain has secured $150 million in funding despite offering absolutely nothing new to the crypto ecosystem.
ExtractionChain promises to almost solve the blockchain trilemma with what they're calling "revolutionary technology" that somehow delivers up to 5,000 transactions per second (in perfect laboratory conditions), 98.7% uptime (excluding weekends and holidays), and decentralization across three whole validators—all while maybe improving your posture and making you slightly more interesting at parties.
The "Visionaries" Behind the Project
The project is the brainchild of MKUltraDAO, a decentralized autonomous organization formed by seven former frat brothers who, after making millions flipping Bored Ape NFTs during the 2021 bull run, decided they were qualified to revolutionize global financial infrastructure.
"We basically took what Ethereum does and made it, like, the fastest and most secure chain ever," explained Chad McVenture, ExtractionChain's 24-year-old CEO, speaking from the $38 million Beverly Hills mansion that all seven founders share. "Plus our logo is way cooler. It's a wolf, but like a digital wolf wearing sunglasses."
When pressed about the technical specifications that enable these mildly impressive capabilities, CTO Kyle Blockstack explained, "It's all about being the best and providing value to our community," before admitting he had no idea what that actually means but "it sounds good in investor meetings."
The Funding Round That Defies Logic
The $150 million funding round was led by BlindCapital Ventures, a VC firm established six months ago by a group of former DoorDash drivers who made their fortune after insider trading pump.fun tokens.
"We didn't actually read the whitepaper," admitted BlindCapital partner Derek Diamond-Hands. "But the founders seemed really 'locked in,' you know? When I asked what that means, they just nodded knowingly and said 'exactly.' Plus I knew these guys from the Telegram groups where we coordinate pumps, so I already knew they were legit."
Co-investors included CryptoYOLO Fund, a DAO whose investment thesis consists entirely of "vibes," and three anonymous wallets that blockchain analysts strongly suspect belong to the founders' parents.
The Technology That Doesn't Exist
ExtractionChain's whitepaper, a 147-page document that includes 43 pages of stock photos of people pointing at charts, makes bold claims without specifics, describing the network as "the fastest, most secure, and most decentralized blockchain ever created" without providing any actual metrics or comparisons.
"Their consensus mechanism is called 'Proof of Bro, I Think It Works,'" explained Dr. Eliza Montgomery, blockchain researcher at MIT. "Their entire codebase is just Ethereum with the variable names changed and emojis added to the comments. They also changed the block time from 12 seconds to 11.8 seconds and called it 'revolutionary.'"
When confronted with expert skepticism, ExtractionChain's Head of Partnerships and former yoga instructor, Moonbeam Ravenscroft, responded, "People are going to make so much money on this, you don't even understand. Early adopters will literally be rich. Not financial advice though." When pressed on how exactly users would profit, Ravenscroft added, "The chart will go up and to the right. What more do you need to know?"
The Roadmap to Mediocrity
ExtractionChain's ambitious roadmap includes launching a mainnet "probably by Q3 but definitely before 2030," followed by integrations with "at least two metaverses that still have users" and an eventual "slight increase in market cap" where it might briefly surpass some memecoins.
The company also plans to release a governance token which, according to leaked Telegram messages, the founders describe as "basically a money printer for us until we can gradually reduce our positions while tweeting diamond hands emojis."
Industry observers note that ExtractionChain is the 37th Layer-1 launched this year to claim it is "the best chain ever," hoping to join the ranks of other revolutionary projects that found huge success like... yeah, we can't think of any either.
The Inexplicable Success
Despite the obvious red flags, ExtractionChain has attracted significant attention from retail investors eager to get in early on "the next Solana, but maybe slightly more reliable”.
"I think this chain is finally going to bring back NFTs and the good vibes from 2021," said Marcus Kraus, a 29-year-old investor. When asked what specifically about ExtractionChain would revitalize the NFT market, Kraus admitted, "I don't really know the details, but all the influencers I follow are really bullish on it. They've made money on their calls before, so I'm just trying to ride their coattails to financial freedom."
At the time of publication, ExtractionChain's seven founders were locked in with their side gig of managing OnlyFans models while their GitHub repository remains empty except for a README file that reads "code coming soon™ (Q4 2025 at the latest)."
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